Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Maine Prep 101: Know Your Harbingers of Impending Doom

Hi everyone, Caleb here!

In prep for our journey to Maine, I thought I'd offer you a few more doses of survival training via the How To Survive a Horror Movie book. Today's lesson is all about light.

In the Terrorverse (where Maine happens to exist....), light is usually your friend. It cuts through the menacing night, chases away shadows where creatures lurk and blinds night-vision equipped serial killers. But there are times when light is the last thing you want to see. Especially when it's coming from somewhere (or something) it shouldn't.

ANYTHING THAT ISN'T A BULB OR FLAME: There are some things - wood, metal, briefcases, stone - that aren't supposed to give off light. If they do, don't stare in slack-jawed fascination. Run.

KEYHOLES:If there's a powerful beam of light shooting through a keyhole, you can bet there's something very, very nasty on the other side of the door.

EYES: Light only radiates from the pupils of evil creatures, and it usually signals an imminent attack.

MOUTHS: If light is pouring from your mouth, you're about to be torn to shreds from the inside out and transported to another dimension - probably a bad one.

NOWHERE: The worst place light can come from is nowhere. Only the most powerful creatures are capable of self-illumination - namely demons and false gods. For dramatic effect, they'll backlight themselves to constantly appear in silhouette.

Well, that does it on light. Tune in next week for our next chapter of Know Your Harbingers of Impending Doom: Boobies.


  1. And most terrifying of all is Thomas Kinkaid, the Painter of Light. Trult truly I say to you you havent seen terror until you have come face to face with a gallery full of his best work.

  2. No doubt - years ago I worked in one of those art stores in my local mall and although we never sold his works, we sold knock-offs. If there is anything worse than a TK it's an imitation TK...

    Cover your eyes! So help me God, cover your eyes!

  3. Thomas Kinkaid, painter of light
    Joe Schmoe, painter of paintings of paintings of light
    MBK painter of blight.

  4. The worst light is when I pour my morning coffee into a mug my Mom bought, then my mug starts glowing because hot beverages make Tom Kinkaid's painting ILLUMINATE on my stupid mug. Gah.

  5. Oh wow. thats a really really kitsch idea

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  7. Wow, I want that mug. LOL

    I am still waiting for that post on boobs and zombie preparedness. I believe this is an important topic and needs further discussion.

  8. Ok... I'll get on that right away....

    Not cause I adore boobs or anything, just cause you asked for it....